Emotions and Relationships:

Let’s suppose you have a TV in front of you but you can not switch it on as you do not have electricity.Let’s suppose you have a book in front of you but you can not open and read it.Let’s say you have a car but it’s not working.
What will you do with that TV set or book? You repect it as you know it is a treasure-house of information and entertainment.But TV without electricity or transmission is no more than just a physical object.You sincerely value,respect and appreciate the programs/content of that TV or book because you have heard about how great it is but never experienced it yourself.You wish you could read each page of the book but can not.So you are left with no choice but to see the external physical beauty of the TV or the cover-page of the book.Nobody likes to stare at the TV without transmission.And nobody likes to stare at only the coverpage of the book.But if there is no choice,that’s what one is constrained to do when one is surrounded by hundreds and thousands of TVs or books around one.Without any access to its real content,you end up comparing physical features of various TV sets or books.

Same with women/girls.We men know that women have great minds beyond bodies.They have great virtues like compassion,caring and sacrificing nature,tenderness,sweetness,etc.But in order to know and experience that first hand, we need to know their psyche.For that, we need to talk to them.If we do not get to know their minds,and if we are surrounded by them,we have no choice but to appreciate their physical beauty only.And then women blame us that we treat them as sex objects.

How easy is it for an adult men to talk or mix or make friends with girls/women in our country? In our country, finding a wife or husband is much easier than finding a boyfriend or a girlfriend.Arranged marriages are just so easy.Parents enquire about the financial and social background of the prospective bride or groom and then a meeting is fixed between two families with the potential couple.And after one or two meetings,it’s a Yes or No.Great !This is the most advanced way of getting married.After marriage,the partners may realize the lack of compatibility within them but simply drag their marriage for lifetime for the sake of society,children and other issues.Men and Women have different goals in life,emotional needs and different expectations from life which they do not know about because they never got a chance to mix with or make friends with each other.After marriage a souse tries to become his/her partner’s friend.But for any reasons,due to difference in personalities if the friendship does not develop,sourness develops and the relationship terribly suffers.After a couple of years a spouse may realize that his/her partner is not the type he/she can ever make friends with. This is a disturbed family.Family is the smallest unit of the society.And if that is disturbed in many cases then imagine where the society is headed.

Many Urban people will say that this is a very conservative viewpoint and now the time has changed.Girls and boys mix freely at coffee shops,nightclubs and public places.Yes, we all can see that.But that’s only a certain percentage of the society.Let’s say 10-20 percent of the society.Even when the richest and most elite people of opposite genders meet twice or thrice casually, they are considered to be lovers and not friends.For celebrities,the Gossip starts in newspapers.In college also the gossip starts…...and once a couple, they have to be committed to each other until they officially break up….So they can not mix with others of opposite gender….And if they do, they are labeled to be flirt or of loose character….The same old debate….Ek Ladka Ladki kabhi dost nahi ban sakte….

Before I go further,let me clarify that this whole general discussion is about the non-sexual components of the relationship between man and woman.There are many books and material on the topic of sexuality,so I do not want to discuss it.Here I will talk about the platonic,psychological and emotional components of a relationship and will touch sexuality only where it’s a must.

Women are as human as men…And they have the same qualities and virtues as men….then why can a man freely meet and talk to 10 different men in a day but not 3 women?….By stopping them to mix we are emphasizing that women are of different gender…...Gender SHOULD NOT matter….
Let’s see what generally happens in a common man’s life…..he goes to school and mixes with girls and boys.But as children grow up we teach them that girls and boys are different and they are not supoposed to mix with each other so freely.Which is fair.In college,and life thereafter, the distance between boys and girls continue to increase.Those few who mix with lots of people of opposite gender are labeled as flirts or of loose character….After college it’s even worse and having friends of opposite gender depends upon the person’s social skills and the risk apetite.Once they pass from college, just within a couple of years,parents persuade/force them to get married.Arranged marriage is preferred by parents.Though some parents are liberal enough to allow their children to choose their partners.In such a scenario,and with pressure from parents , people get married just as a custom and due to advice of parents and relatives.They do not know what is the purpose of marriage,what are their duties,responsibilities as a married partner,and what kind of person they will be compatible with.What are the psychological needs and expectations of the opposite gender is unknown to them as they have seen the opposite gender only physically but have not understood their psyche as they never got a chance to talk to them freely as an adult.

So two years after marriage they realize that their spouse has different goals,dreams,attitudes and thinking which is not compatible with them.In such a scenario it is generally the woman who sacrifices her dreams and identity to match with her husband’s.And in such cases things go smooth…But in case if the woman is not willing to do that,there is a clash.In India, divorces are not common so most people drag their lives despite being unhappy and frustrated in marriage.And we have another disturbed family.
That’s the realistic story of marriage and man-woman’s psychological relationship.

Now we need to introspect over the following.
Should we not be emotionally literate?
Should we not learn about emotions and relationships ?
Is flirting between singles wrong?

When you buy toys for your kids, you are sure that he will break it within a fortnight even if he promises to use it for a lifetime.But you still buy him toys.Because you understand that if kids don’t play,who will?playing develops them physically,mentally and most importantly…. it is actually the essence of childhood.If you stop kids from playing, you are depriving them of their childhood/innocence.

Proof: A poet has written , “Yeh Daulat bhi le lo,ye shoharat bhi le lo….bhale chhin lo mujhse meri jawani,Magar mujhko lauta do bachpan ka sawan, wo kagaz ki kashti who barish ka pani”

If kids break toys it does not imply that they will grow up to be terrorists.Though of course kids should not be given unlimited freedom otherwise they may actually become terrorists as adults.

Same with young adults and singles.Young people work hard for money,career and appearance to attract people of opposite gender.Yes,they do.Whether they should or not is a different issue.Whether they admit it or not is a different issue.They may fool themselves and everybody else.But they do.That’s their motivation.Take that away and they are finished.Some may admit and some may not.The same people after marriage slog for their wife and children.Take their family away and again they are finished.But after marriage,they will proudly admit it and will even show off that all that they are doing in life is for their family.Before marriage they may be shy/hesitant to admit the same for their love interest.Some things we hide from ourselves also.

Should one not learn to date as a single? In my humble opinion,flirting among singles is like drinking.If one drinks responsibly it’s not wrong.If it is an addiction,it’s a problem.Harmless verbal flirting develops social skills in young adults.It’s a phase of life.If young singles don’t learn to flirt/date,who will? In harmless Flirting one should of course not cheat/hurt someone and not cross the limits of decency.By harmless verbal flirting,I mean communication.

Let them learn emotions first hand..I am talking about singles.It is understood that Married/committed people are not supposed to date or flirt.And from man’s viewpoint,most men are not even interested in married women in any case.

Proof: In our country,when even a film heroine gets married,her popularity reduces drastically.Nobody wants to see her even on screen.
Arranged marriage is like Family Wealth, as it is based on the family background.Love Marriage is like self made wealth.You need to impress the partner on your own merit with your charm,personality,social skills,confidence and financial assets

Nowadays,people die at the age of 35-40 due to heart attacks.So what are their partners supposed to do for the rest of their lives?Spend the rest of their life in loneliness?

”Pyaar Zindagi Me ek baar hota hai,Baar baar nahi”.Does this filmy logic work?

Logic and modern thinking says one should move on and find someone else. And if you are shy to date,it maybe difficult for you to find anyone.
Woman’s Viewpoint.

Women have to safeguard their interest and can not mix with every man.Agreed.Women can not allow every man to come closer to her as she does not know whom to trust and whom not.But generally speaking, in public places women are safe.And if we think negative then they are not safe in their own home.They might be having other problems which I as a man can not understand or imagine.But I have presented the man’s viewpoint.
Contrary to the popular belief,for men also,Love is actually far more important than sex.

Proof:I heard on Discovery Channel once,” You don’t kill yourself or somebody if you do not get to sleep with someone,but people do kill for love.”

I have personally known boys/men who expect nothing from their love interest except her happiness.Not even reciprocation of his love.What do men slog for?What did Shah Jahan build Taj Mahal for?
We men are mostly misunderstood.

Solution:

I am no expert to provide a solution on this topic but still humbly present my viewpoint as under just for brainstorming and introspection.Your viewpoints are also welcome in the discussion.
Schools and Universities talk about including sex education in the curriculum and maybe some have.But a human experiences emotions and love much before sex.

The million dollar question is “What is love?”.

Answer to this question in even psychiatrists’ research papers start with a note that, “Love is a complicated emotion and difficult to explain accurately.”
Our knowledge about love depends upon films and novels.Film makers themselves may be ignorant about what love is. Emotions are their bread and butter so they have been manipulating and selling emotions since ages. Most common people have no answer to this question and I have seen even psychiatrists answering this question with a blush.

I believe that the most basic ingredient of any relationship between two adults is friendship.Whether it’s the platonic relationship between father and son,father and daughter, mother and daughter,mother and son, brother and sister or the romantic relationship between husband and wife.Without friendship no relationship can exist. Friendship is understanding each other and caring for each other. Even enemies have a slight tinge of friendship in their enemity.Enemies understand and know each other very well.Though unlike friendship,they use that knowledge to actually hurt each other.Even husband and wife are practically platonic friends for most of the time in 24 hours.Romance and sexuality is only for a couple of hours.So relationships between boys and girls should go through the following stages.

1)Introduction.
2)Friendship.
3)Flirting/Dating/Romance
4)Commitment/Marriage.

And let me ask.How do you differentiate between flirting,friendship and respect?How do you know what’s going on in another person’s mind?In fact,when we fall in love, in the beginning, are we ourselves sure whether it’s love?So we do not know what is happening in our own mind.If everybody knew what is happening in his/her mind,everybody would have won the full prize money in that TV show “Sach Ka Samna”.When we ourselves don’t know our mind,how can others judge whether what we have in our mind is flirting,romance or respect?

Imagine red color.OK.You saw red color in your mind’s eye.Now imagine a dog.OK.You saw a dog.Now,don’t imagine a cat.You still saw a cat! Didn’t you?

That’s how the mind works.If you repeatedly tell a boy that he likes that girl he will actually start liking her.If you repeatedly treat a person like a fool/pervert he will actually become a fool/pervert.

Let’s say a boy aged 19 years studying in college respects his female teacher.He sits on the first bench, studies hard to impress her,is obedient to her and picks up the chalk whenever she drops it by mistake.The teacher appreciates him thinking he is a very nice boy.So far so good.2 years pass.After 2 years,the teacher hears a rumor from few people that the boy is actually a flirt.The teacher is now prejudiced against the boy.The boys is same but in her opinion the hero has become a villain. Whatever that boy did positive is now considered negative by the teacher.For her,whatever was his respect is now his perversion.She thinks that the boy sat on the first bench not because he was interested in studies but because he was interested in me and wanted to stare at me without disturbance.He picked up chalks for me to flirt with me.The boy’s behavior is the same like before.But the teacher’s psychology is changed as rumors have poisoned her ears.Her viewpoint is contaminated by prejudice. So she starts insulting the boy every time he tries to help her or picks up the chalk for her.

Slowly,the boy is treated like a flirt/pervert by the whole college.A hero becomes a villain in everybody’s perception.Everybody looks at him with suspicion and he is humiliated/avoided by everyone.Nobody talks to him.Finally,he thinks that since everybody already thinks I am a villain let me be a villain in reality. So a hero actually becomes a villain or he stops going to college.

There is one more factor here.The boy might be actually impressed by the female teacher’s personality at a subconscious level.He likes/admires/idolises her in platonic sense.But he may not know it for sure.Is it his fault? We like so many people and we hate so many people without reasons.Some of them maybe of opposite gender. It happens spontaneously and subconsciously.We can not and do not need to control our mind.We need to control our behavior.As long as one’s behavior is socially acceptable and as long as one does not misbehave ,he does not deserve to be punished or ill treated.If everybody keeps one person under observation and scrutinizes even his thoughts and talks about him,is it his fault?Did he ask for all that attention ?He is like any other normal person and should not get any special good or bad treatment.

Nobody has full control over his/her mind.One may even murder someone in his imagination.That’s not a crime.In our mind,we all are attracted to and date thousands of people.That’s no crime. If anybody disputes this,let’s keep him/her under observation with cameras,spies and clairvoyant devices to read his/her mind 24/7.Then we will realize how fake or great he/she is and he/she will realize the value of freedom.Even psychiatrists and law says that mind can not be controlled.

And therefore I repeat,one can not and does not need to control one’s mind but one needs to control one’s behavior.

So what’s the solution ?

According to me,the long term solution of this is as follows.
People should be officially educated about love,emotions,relationships and marriage.If you think this suggestion is weird or funny,just consider this.
Getting married is easier than getting a car driving license.For driving car,you need a training of a week or 10 days and then must pass a test to get the car driving licence.For marriage, you just need a person of opposite gender.So in our society,people are better equipped to drive a car than to drive/live their life.

I suggest that like a driving license,ration card,Pan Card and passport it must be compulsory for every adult to have a Marriage/Relationship License.For getting this Marriage License, every individual should be given a training/counseling for a week or so and then give and pass a theoretical test individually. And this training should not be for couples.Even if one does not have a spouse/girlfriend/boyfriend or a plan to get married,he/she must go through this training individually at any time after being an adult.This training should be given separately to men and women in different languages and different locations at nominal charges.It should be as easy as getting a driving licence.

The syllabus of this training should include the following theoretical topics.
1)What is the purpose of life according to various theories?
2)what is love and emotions?
3)What is the purpose of family & marriage?
4)Dos and don’ts of Dating/Flirting.
5)How one should choose a partner?
6)Advantages and disadvantages of arranged and love marriages.
7)what are the duties and rights of a husband/wife and parents,
8) Differences in thinking of man and woman.
9)Laws of marriage,
10)Effects of marriage ie. how the life will change socially after marriage,
11)what is infidelity,how it should be tackled,
12)what is divorce,how it should be avoided and how and when it should be sought,
13)laws for divorce,
14)Sexuality should also be touched upon theoretically.

This theoretical knowledge can make a world of difference and people will be emotionally literate and will choose better girlfriends/boyfriends and partners.
Anybody who does not have this license can not register his/her marriage,can not file income tax returns, can not vote,can not get loans and can not get visa for foreign travel.Variety of such hindrances should be put to compel people to get this training.

To sum it up,

1)Communication is the key.We need maximum communication/discussion about emotions and relationships to understand them better. Love is explained well in the book titled “The Road Less Traveled” by Mr.M.Speck.

2)In public places and within limits of decency,boys and girls should be encouraged to communicate and mix to understand each other’s psychology.

3)As a long term solution,a Relationship/marriage licence should be introduced.

Your comments and questions are welcome.

PS.
The above post is not to challenge/boycott against any social traditions/customs or to bring about change in anybody’s life or in general culture.It is only a general discussion for introspection and brainstorming.I do not claim my ideas/opinions to be the best/final and am not rigid about the same.I will be happy to alter these ideas if convinced via discussions.The examples given in the above article are fictitious and any resemblance to any person living or dead is purely coincidental